The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Weighing up my bread heating options
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.