@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
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@Phook75: I don't ever worry about the kinda world I'm leaving my kids. They'll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow
@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now