@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
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@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
@thenatewolf: *I come downstairs to see my dog has eaten my dinner off the counter* Dude, I said I was sorry for eating yours.
@dreadnaught69: She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home