The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still