The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls