The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅