@kelkulus: The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
@Jesssicle: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like "Get outta here boys! I didn't get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!"
@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.
@LackOfShame: Mom: "Why are you always on your phone? What's so great about the internet?" Me: It doesn't constantly ask me questions