The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Still my favourite meme.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
This is I, Robot all over again
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
181.