@neerjagurnani: The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you're unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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@briancthayer: Be specific when saying "BYOB": [bursts into house] Hey, I brought beers! *7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
@KKAlThani: Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.
@markleggett: My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
@DanMentos: One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic