The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December