The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
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[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude