The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
did it work
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy