@causticbob: The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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@wickedimproper: I'm so old I thought "stfu" was a reminder to pack my "shoes, tie, fedora, underpants."
@meladoodle: The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had
@yoopnative: I'm broke but not "vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it" broke. *more than twice.