@causticbob: The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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@ruinedpicnic: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
@VerifiedDrunk: If God wanted to impress me with his 'miracles' he would've impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
@NicestHippo: "Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?" - podium salesman