@causticbob: The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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@KateWhineHall: I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.
@lovejulieacafe: I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday. I replied asking them to call her because she can't read.
@pinupteacher: [speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? "No." *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]
@TheCamelToe_: Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we're thinking.