The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
There are no pants in heaven.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
ugh not again
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect