@DonQuickoats: The best way to respond to a limp handshake is to tickle their palm with your middle finger
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@bacon_gillepic: Y’all keep saying Columbus was a bad dude and he shouldn’t had a day, but y’all need to shut up because I like getting mattresses on sale
@TheToddWilliams: [Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
@SondraDeeMe: [Skype] ME: Finally I see your face and wow. HIM: [naked] Where are you?! ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
@bea_ker: Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information- Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head