A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
How times have changed.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.