The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Proctology is located in A55
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..