The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You Might Also Like
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB