The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
this is so top tier i cant
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.