The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun