I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
my fav colour is also hitler
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“i am a sweet baby”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’m having an out of money experience.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My dog ate my work from home.