@lovemydogduck: The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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@sixfootcandy: Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again. Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
@shadygrenade: *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."
@gruffybeard: Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten? [Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like] Me: We have a rat problem.
@iAmDelFreaky: Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.