The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right