@lovemydogduck: The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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@Reverend_Scott: [car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
@MissNaughty1801: I imagine some people are like...: 'should I take the shower?...no...I'm taking the train today...'
@Blondiethegood: There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house.
@SwedishCanary: When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I'm capable of.