@lovemydogduck: The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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@DanMentos: 18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
@john_vavra: WOMAN: pls help, theres a man outside terrorizing me 911: haha aww that just means he likes you MURDERER (at window): HEY SHUT UP I DO NOT
@flashember: [Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."
@RidiculousSheri: "You look really pretty today," I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, "And you...um, you have a GREAT personality."