The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson