@robdelaney: The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@murrman5: good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed "we don't have a dog" *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.