The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.