@HallpassCanada: The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.
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@SCbchbum: “Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
@Xalqee: If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
@pbear79: [first date] Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants Me: I'm going to get the bacon cheeseburger Her: Me: Is that not what you meant?
@psybermonkey: Genie: You get one wish. Me: I wish I had more twitter followers. Genie: Done. *vanishes* *Checks phone* Genie is now following you.