The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.