The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Before & after 😅
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Based Erika
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.