@TheTweetOfGod: The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
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@Reverend_Scott: Rum: "Drink me." Me: "No, I'll get a hangover." Rum: "Nah, you'll get funnier and better looking!" Me: "Really?" *drinks* Rum: "Sucker."
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the pearly gates] I said, "send me a selfie." Then she said, "too ugly today." So I said, "never stopped you before" ...& here I am.
@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*
@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.