Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️