BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m confused about plants
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*