The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there