Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Hi, I鈥檓 Amanda and I stew on things that could鈥檝e been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can鈥檛 handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I鈥檓 so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 馃檨
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It鈥檚 going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You鈥檙e making it worse.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that鈥檚 when I was a human cannonball in the circus
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I鈥檓 too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m, I only asked you to stand up.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.