The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot