The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?