The big book of baby names but for safe words
You Might Also Like
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”