The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…