The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Chicago sounds lovely.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Investing in beetcoin
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome