The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Ad exec 1: Ok, we鈥檝e really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn鈥檛 the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it鈥檚 reverse psychology.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that鈥檚 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
馃槀
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I鈥檒l have two then please.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn鈥檛 make it, she鈥檚 carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He鈥檚 7, he鈥檚 just lazy.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother鈥檚 Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I鈥檓 so blessed.
went fishing caught a bass
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who鈥檚 gonna do the news