The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*