The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead