spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
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HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁