When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I gave up going to work for lent.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.