@Marlebean: The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I'll pick out her clothes for school.
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@mynameisntdave: JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat
@hilariouswifey: I don't always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
@teenpuke: what if it doesnt want to be called hot sauce???? what if it wants to be called beautiful sauce