The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.