The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Meow
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.