If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Seems legit
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???