Husband of the year 😂
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.