Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?