The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one