The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
it was a valiant fight
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.