I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog