The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.