The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
You Might Also Like
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
True
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”