The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I have a black belt in leather
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I didn’t come here to be called names
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
me logging onto twitter
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.