“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.