@Mickey_McCauley: "The book was way better" - hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
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@topaz_kell: Health Tip: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
@robdelaney: I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
@StellaRtwot: I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.